The Cycle of Conflict in Relationships - Part 3 - Stage 2 of the Conflict

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Author: Glenn Cohen

Article source: http://www.safes-and-security.info/. Used with author's permission.

In Part 2, I explained Stage 1 of the Cycle of Conflict. This is the mildest form because the trigger is never pulled and the bullet does not damage the relationship space. I detailed the steps that both the Sender and the Receiver need to take for the couple not to progress into Stage 2.

If the couple can not stop the cycle at Stage 1, they could progress into Stage 2. It begins when a hot button is pushed, the emotional trigger is pulled and the bullet is rapidly unleashed into the atmosphere of the relationship. The bullet represents all the negative interactive patterns that ensue in various forms through projection of one's negative emotions onto their partner.

These bullets include:

• Spiteful verbal darts
• Selfish demands
• Disrespectful judgments
• Excessive nit picking
• Criticism
• Emotional disengagement
• Minimizing
• Invalidating
• Mocking/Ridiculing
• Angry Outbursts

After a trigger is pulled and the bullets are released, the partners have the next chance to stop the Cycle of Conflict from snowballing. So many couples are quick to accuse each other and get defensive instead of taking a step back and giving their partner the benefit of the doubt. This one act by itself could go along way to lower the chance of further escalation. In addition, each of the partners would have to act on the following.

Ideally, when an emotional trigger occurs the Sender should work on self-soothing in order to calm the internal storm and prevent the bullet from being fired. This can take the form of going somewhere alone to calm them self, mediate or exercise to release the negative energy. But if it is fired, the sender would need to:

• Break through the veil of denial concerning the existence and origin of their fears and insecurities.

• Become consciously aware of the fears and be able to differentiate which layer of the cake the issue is really about.

• Own the issue and realize that it is about them.

• Have the awareness, strength and courage to realize the truth about their reaction.

• Act quickly to take personal responsibility for their actions.

• Immediately give a heartfelt apology for hurting their partner and give massive doses of TLC.

• Be calm, humble and honestly share their deepest fears and pain with their partner.

• Seek help as soon as possible to learn the skills and techniques to minimize the effect their wounds have on their ability to have rational, safe, calm, honest and loving communication.

The receiving partner needs to let down their defenses, stop being stubborn and have the courage to stand firm in the face of a possible storm. You might not know what is really bothering your partner, but if you want to take personal responsibility to help make a change, start with yourself. Next time, try something different by reminding yourself that it is not about you. Start by looking your partner in the eye, listen with compassion and genuine empathy and mirror back to your partner to make sure they know you understand. You should not condone the reactions but you must validate their feelings.

These actions can help create an atmosphere for the Sending partner to sooth and allow the temperature of the conversation to decrease. If the Sender does take responsibility and apologize for their actions and behaviors, the receiver must then demonstrate a sincere willingness to forgive their partner for these projections, hold them gently and freely give them massive doses of tender loving care.

If these actions occur simultaneously, the couple should be able to sit down together, have a loving conversation and repair the damage caused by the projections. This can lead to a mutually satisfying and loving experience even in the face of conflict. If the couple is able to accomplish this feat, they have the wonderful opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Then they can begin to deepen and strengthen the trust, respect, admiration and love they just co-created by their actions.

If the above does not happen, then the probability of the cycle progressing to Stage 3 is likely. It is at this next stage when the cycle becomes very difficult to stop.

In Part 4 of The Cycle of Conflict, I will describe how the stage is set up for the couple to enter into Stage 3 of the conflict. I explain how the ruminating mind of the Sender and the inability of the receiver to take positive action can create the conditions for contempt, resentment and anger to take over their relationship.