The Cycle of Conflict in Relationships - Part 5 - Stage 3 of the Conflict

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Bring Back A Lost Love!
Bring back the Love of your life, no matter how hopeless your situation appears. Ends loneliness, ensures happiness!

Author: Glenn Cohen

Article source: http://www.safes-and-security.info/. Used with author's permission.

In Part 4 of The Cycle of Conflict, I described how the stage is set up for the couple to enter into Stage 3 of the conflict. I explained how the ruminating mind of the Sender and the inability of the Receiver to take positive action can create the conditions for contempt, resentment and anger to take over their relationship

At this point in the cycle the atmosphere between the couple turns cold and ugly. They become polarized and the struggle turns into a contest of wills. It is at this stage that terrible memories become etched in the souls of the couple that can destroy the trust, respect and love and create a widening distance between them.

Unfortunately they have been conditioned by the toxic patterns which inhibit them from giving each other the benefit of the doubt. They become very stubborn and refuse to take responsibility for being the first one to reach out and give love to try to stop the cycle. They are on constant guard for the next issue or problem to pull the trigger and release the bullets starting the vicious cycle all over again.

It is very difficult to stop the cycle when the couple reaches this point. But it can be done! Both of the partners would need to take action immediately on the following steps

The Sender would need to:

• Break through the veil of denial concerning the existence and origin of their fears and insecurities.

• Become consciously aware of the fears and be able to differentiate which layer of the cake the issue is really about.

• Own the issue and realize that it is about them.

• Have the awareness, strength and courage to realize the truth about their reaction

• Act quickly to take personal responsibility for their actions

• Understand the impact these reactions have on their partner

• Immediately give a heartfelt apology for hurting their partner and give massive doses of TLC.

• Be calm, humble and honestly share their deepest fears and pain with their partner.

• Recognize how the reactions create the dynamics of blocking any attempts to successfully resolve the issue because of the harsh start to the conversation.

• Seek immediate help to learn the skills and techniques to minimize the effect their wounds and reactions have on their ability to successfully communicate.

• Be aware of the frequency and intensity of their emotional reactions

• If the reactions are intense and occur frequently, realize it will take time and effort for the receiver to re-establish trust and confidence that the communication space between them will be rational, safe, calm and loving.

If the Sending partner is able to accomplish the above, the receiving partner must strip away the defenses they had built, put aside their resentment and distrust and give the Sender the benefit of the doubt. If the Sender is sincere and does take responsibility and apologize for their actions, they usually will be feeling embarrassed and ashamed by their behaviors. It is imperative for the receiver to demonstrate a sincere willingness to forgive their partner, hold them gently and genuinely give them massive doses of tender loving care, unconditionally.

If both partners can accomplish their respective steps, they are very lucky. They must appreciate the wonderful opportunity they have to learn from their painful experience to re-build the love, trust and confidence lost during the cycle. They must verbalize to their partner their commitment to seek help and do the best they can to resolve the internal issues that led to the harmful events. They must treat each other gently, cherish and nurture the new space they are trying to co-create. Most importantly they must prove, with actions and not just words, to their still leery partner that they will follow through on all of their promises.

If the couple chooses to ignore the warning signs and the cycle is left to fester in this state, it is only a matter of time before another emotional trigger comes along to further escalate the situation.

In Part 6 of The Cycle of Conflict, I will describe the final stage in the cycle. This is the stage where rage and abuse are prevalent and relationships can be destroyed by the actions of both partners. At this point in the cycle the couple has 3 choices. The direction they chose to take will determine the course of events that will shape the rest of their lives.